Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Daft Poetry (II)

As it's National Poetry Day tomorrow, I thought it appropriate for me to inflict more of my ridiculous poetry on the blogging world at large. Like I said, I'm much better at writing prose. Honest!

Photo Courtesy of surrealmuse

There once was a man called Jug Faced Stan
He had a beard that housed many a man
It was 5000 feet long and it had a nerve
So the council declared it a nature reserve

But his wife Mrs Stan, she were vexed
And gazing upon it, thought she may be next
As such, to make love to him she was unwilling
Despite his bribes of a crown and a shilling

'My husband, go, purchase a razor'
She said, threatening him with a taser
'Hoots!' hollered Stan, 'Those things are expensive
If I bought a farm, would you be less pensive?'

By and by she refused, so Stan had no option
For he wanted sex, not kids for adoption
So to his local chemists he went post-haste
For he was unwilling to be bearded and chaste

'Hoots!', hollered Stan, when he saw a Gilette
'It looks like me dry-humping days ain't done yet
But the price is so high, I can't afford such a thing
Unless I sacrifice my papery thing'

After much debating, Stan pulled out the latter
Twas a five pound note, served on a pocket-sized platter
He purchased the razor using tactics unfair:
By tangling queuers in his monstrous hair

Pon arrival at home Stan went to the toilet
For this was momentous, and nothing should spoil it
He put the razor to his face and began to shave
Thinking 'My bigamous marriage, this is destined to save'

But alas, the razor played tricks on his visage
For twas not compatible with his facial hair large
After 20 solid minutes in which he huffed and swore
He found his facial forest had grown even more!

Just as he was about to let the matter slide
Caused, no less, by failed hair genocide
His wife discovered, quite by chance
That her ethereal armpits, this razor helped enhance

'Hurrah, Stan, you simpleton goon
Double helpings of sex this fair afternoon'
Stan was delighted and whipped off his clothes
Thinking' 'Ye Gods, I must get several more of those'.
(Copyright J Humphreys)


  1. ewww...very hairy! I wonder what else lodged in his beard? That was so well done - how did you think up Jug Faced Sam? Thanks for reminding me tomorrow's poet's day.

  2. You're both too kind. Jug Faced Stan (get it right!) is probably something to do with my Treasure Island obsession. I think. It's just one of those silly things I come up with in more whimsical moments...

    1. Sorry sorry! I knew it was Stan - but I have a character in a book called Sam so I think my fingers just went and typed Sam out of habit. Keep up with whimsical moments - they work.